The following item was passed to us via our secret underground network of samizdatistas and has struck me as both so true and so humorous I simply must share it with you. It is purportedly written by George Carlin, a comedian whom I greatly admired in the seventies. It does indeed read like Carlin patter. If anyone has definitive information on the source, please let us know. George or not, I love it, so here it is.
by George Carlin
I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid level governmental functionary, be it Democratic or Republican!
I think owning a gun doesn’t make you a killer; it makes you a smart American.
I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, try to do it in English.
I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.
I think that being a student doesn’t give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy self through 4 years plus of college, you haven’t begun to be enlightened.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.
My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever cancelled Jerry Springer.
I don’t hate the rich. I don’t pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake and I don’t waste my time arguing about it.
I’ve never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn’t wander forty years In the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven’t burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut up already.
I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson practices, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one?
I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry tail if you’re running from them.
I also think they have the right to pull you over if you’re breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.
I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don’t want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.
If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I’m a BAD American.
If you are a BAD American too, please forward this to everyone you know.
We need our country back!
ED: The consensus so far is that this is not George Carlin’s work. I still like it though!
Carlin often has radically sensible things to say. Check out his views on Global warming and ‘Native Americans”
Nope.
Here’s some more info on ole George:
George claims in an interview published on January 24, 2004, in the AZCental Newspaper from the Idaho Statesman, that he is “not liberal, I’m just about (being) anti-United States. I don’t like the way this country operates.” For George, America just doesn’t measure up to his high standards and hasn’t for nearly two centuries. According to George, “This country has been, for about 180 years now, badly mishandled.
Whilst I agree with some of those sentiments, no, I do not think ‘running away from a cop’ should be an offense that warrants summary execution.
Some good points there, George, but it would be nice if the Turks could fess up to the Armenian genocide.
I’ve seen this somewhere before, without attribution. I won’t bet my life on it, but I’m pretty sure it isn’t Carlin’s work.
Carlin used to be funny (the 70s were mentioned). now he just seems caustic.
more than a few recent shows degrade into yelling at the audience when they don’t laugh, and the anti-US lines are plausible also.
BUT, he was funny in the past, and these points are great, even if he didn’t write ’em.
This is not George Carlin – Tim Haas above has linked to the Snopes refutation of this attribution. George Carlin is an idiotarian, politically.
Much better than that is Dennis Leary’s “Asshole” – a great song. I can’t find it online, but did find the lyrics.
I can’t decide whether it’s praise of the American Way of Life, or a bitter condemnation of it. Regardless, I still like it and find it quite funny.
————————————————
Folks, I’d like to sing a song about the American Dream. About me. About you. The way our American hearts beat down in the bottom of our chests. About the special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts, maybe below the cockles, maybe in the sub-cockle area. Maybe in the liver. Maybe in the kidneys. Maybe even in the colon, we don’t know.
I’m just a regular Joe with a regular job
I’m your average white suburbanite slob
I like football and porno and books about war
I’ve got an average house with a nice hardwood floor
My wife and my job, my kids and my car
My feet on my table, and a cuban cigar
But sometimes that just ain’t enough to keep a man like me interested
(Oh no) No Way (Uh-uh)
No, I’ve gotta go out and have fun
At someone else’s expense
(Oh yeah) Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
I drive really slow in the ultrafast lane
While people behind me are going insane
I’m an asshole (He’s an asshole, what an asshole)
I’m an asshole (He’s an asshole, such an asshole)
I use public toilets and piss on the seat
I walk around in the summertime saying, “How about this heat?”
I’m an asshole (He’s an asshole, what an asshole)
I’m an asshole (He’s the world’s biggest asshole)
Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces
While handicapped people make handicapped faces
I’m an asshole (He’s an asshole, what an asshole)
I’m an asshole (He’s a real fucking asshole)
Maybe I shouldn’t be singing this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they’re right when they tell me I’m wrong
Naaaah!
I’m an asshole (He’s an asshole, what an asshole)
I’m an asshole (He’s the world’s biggest asshole)
[Spoken]
You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado convertible, hot pink with whaleskin hub caps and all leather cow interior and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights, yeah! And I’m gonna drive around in that baby at 115mph getting one mile per gallon, sucking down quarter pounder cheese burgers from McDonald’s in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers and when I’m done sucking down those grease ball burgers, I’m gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag and then I’m gonna toss the styrofoam container right out the side and there ain’t a God damned thing anybody can do about it. YOu know why? Because we got the bombs, that’s why.
[Spoken]
Two words. Nuclear fucking weapons, okay?! Russia, Germany, Romania – they can have all the Democracy they want. They can have a big democracy cake-walk right through the middle of Tiananmen square and it won’t make a lick of difference because we’ve got the bombs, okay?! John Wayne’s not dead – he’s frozen. And as soon as we find the cure for cancer we’re gonna thaw out the Duke and he’s gonna be pretty pissed off. You know why? Have you ever taken a cold shower? Well multiply that by 15-million times, that’s how pissed off the Duke’s gonna be. I’m gonna get the Duke and John Cassavetes…
(Hey)
and Lee Marvin
(Hey)
and Sam Pekinpah
(Hey)
And a case of Whiskey and drive down to Texas…
(Hey, you know you really are an asshole)
Why don’t you just shut-up and sing the song pal!
I’m an asshole (He’s an asshole, what an asshole)
I’m an asshole (He’s the world’s biggest asshole)
A-S-S-H-O-L-E Everybody! A-S-S-H-O-L-E
[Barking]
Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf
Fung achng tum a fung tum a fling chum
Oooh Oooh
[Spoken]
I’m an asshole and proud of it!
That sounds nothing like George Carlin or at least any recent Carlin. Sounds more like Larry Miller, who seems to have a lot of his material sent around as chainmail and attributed to the wrong people.
Al, sounds like a bitter conedemnation of it to me…
In my opinion whoever wrote the “Yes, I’m a bad American” piece needs to go and study at the feet of the master. No one has ever written a better description of Americans than P.J. O’Rourke in “Holidays in Hell” (Vintage Books, NY ISBN: 0-679-72422-2)
*****
…WE BE BAD.
We’re the baddest-assed sons of bitches that ever jogged in
Reeboks. We’re three-quarters grizzly bear and two-thirds car
wreck and descended from a stock market crash on our mother’s
side. You take your Germany, France, and Spain, roll them all
together and it still wouldn’t give us room to park our cars.
We’re the big boys, Jack, the original, giant, economy-sized, new
and improved butt-kickers of all time. When we snort coke in
Houston, people lose their hats in Cap d’Antibes. And we’ve got an
American Express card credit limit higher than your piss-ant
metric numbers go.
You say our country’s never been invaded? You’re right, little
buddy. Because I’d like to see the needle-dicked foreigners who’d
have the guts to try. We drink napalm to get our hearts started in
the morning. A rape and a mugging is our way of saying “Cheerio.”
Hell can’t hold our sock-hops. We walk taller, talk louder, spit
farther, fuck longer, and buy more things than you know the names
of. I’d rather be a junkie in a New York City jail than king,
queen, and jack of all you Europeans. We eat little countries like
this for breakfast and shit them out before lunch.
*****
Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about
Lloyd in Iowa
Hmmm, what about the War of 1812?
According to the Snopes urban legends site this is a false statement.
Not Carlin. Carlin is left of Fat Michael Moore and friends.
http://www.snopes.com/language/document/carlin.htm
This essay appeared in the FreeRepublic.com on-line forum back in September 2000 under the title “I Am a Bad Republican” (picking up title changes and additions since then as it was forwarded around the Internet), and the person who posted it there has taken credit for it in a recent message in that same forum.
http://www.freerepublic.com/forum/a39b09d010a26.htm