Now if only George Bush and his bunch of ‘yee-ha’ cowboys in Washington could only read this
Perhaps they would think twice before they go stomping off round the world to try to kill ‘terrorists’
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WASHINGTON, DC. According to a Cato Institute report released Monday, the U.S. has become overly dependent on foreign turmoil for its conversations and media coverage. “The American people consume as many as 60 million barrels of crude speculation every day, using it for everything from driving discussions to heating up political debates,” the report stated. “Unless we can dredge up domestic sources of turmoil, we may end up utterly dependent on the Middle East for conversational fuel.” From The Onion via Mondial Global Investors January 5th, 2002 | Comments are closed
 Scholar of arcane Anglospheric Cultism, the eminent James C. Bennett of Miskatonic University, has turned up a disturbing fact after translating an ancient text. In a closed session address to Foreign Policy Research Institute, Bennett reported his findings:
Naturally the Saudi ambassador dismissed this as:
Alarming stuff. [Editor’s note: you need to have read H. P . Lovecraft’s horror stories to have the slightest idea what this means] January 4th, 2002 | Comments are closed
Whilst perusing Fevered Rants, as I am wont to do, I came upon an article relating to how NORAD helps make certain that Santa is safe when operating over North America. However, what really concerns me is that due to interference from Al Sharpton and Jessie Jackson, Santa’s policy of only hiring elves from Northern Finland has been replaced with a more ‘multiculturally inclusive’ system that does not permit ‘racial profiling’. As a result many of the packages in Santa’s North Pole grotto which are destined for your home, have been packed by efreets and djinns of decidedly Middle Eastern appearance. Think about the implications of that whilst you are opening those ‘nice’ presents on Christmas day. Check the soles of those new Adidas shoes very carefully before you go jogging around the block to break them in. Merry Christmas. December 24th, 2001 | Comments are closed
Editors note: you need to read this carefully in order to ‘get it’ From Reporter J Baxter, Boston (BS NewsNetwork) The Boston Celtics announced today they have signed a new power forward after several trial workouts. Standing tall is 6′ ‘7″ power forward Sam Ladenson, who demonstrated explosive charges through the paint, and a distinct ability to draw crucial fouls. Contract details are expected to be ironed out by the end of the day. Celtic General Manager Red Auerbach said Ladenson is a triple threat–a mixture of Bob Cousy’s ball handling skills, weaving through bigger men almost unseen, Havlicek with his stop short 20 foot jumper, and Bill Russell, who could take on the big men in the middle whenever necessary. Auerbach envisions Ladenson’s presence permitting the Celtic’s leading scorer, Paul Pierce, to take more uncontested shots inside the three point stripe. Celtic officials indicate Ladenson may well get some playing minutes during Tuesday’s game in New York. Remarked one team official—“It is not often such talent just appears out of nowhere.” Ladenson has traveled with various European and Central Asian teams, but apparently decided to give the NBA a shot. Overseas he was known for his ability to disappear until a critical big shot was needed. Ladenson’s agent – M. L. O’Marr – well-known for having a singular keen eye for unusual and special talent, said negotiations are underway with the Celtic brass for a partial year contract, and a contract extension option for the 2002-03 season and beyond. O’Marr said Ladenson was looking to put down permanent roots. The team’s press agent did indicate that Ladenson had one contract stipulation—that he would be joining the Palestinian Olympic team for the Summer games. O’ Marr expected such contract details to be minor concerns, and predicted his client would fare well in the negotiations. The Celtics, currently a half-game behind the New Jersey Nets, are making their first serious run at the Eastern Division title since the departure of Rick Pitino to the college ranks. Celtic scouts have privately conceded that Ladenson may expect trouble in the middle from the game’s biggest man in Shaquille O’Neil, but O’Marr was quick to point out Ladenson’s quick moves when surrounded. Ladenson was not available for comment. December 18th, 2001 | Comments are closed
On 8 December, I wrote an article in which I was quite mean to Tania Kindersley and Rachael Jones because they were so uptight about pornography. I pointed out that just because I like to look at things, that does not detract from my willingness to experience things for real… quite the contrary in fact. Well, maybe these nervous women were correct after all. When I buy one of these wonderful new Apple dMac computers, I might stop going out all together! I am in Prague tonight and it just so happens I know where there is an Apple dealer shop. I will be on their doorstep when they open for business tomorrow morning. However I must confess that I am tempted to get a biMac instead. I like variety. Isn’t technology wonderful? Predstavujema biMac! December 9th, 2001 | Comments are closed
i>Enough of this po-faced punditry. Time for some fun! Almost too terrifying to post, here is the apocalypse of the future’s true architect: Dr. Rand! Follow the investigation into this sinister figure and discover…The Truth! December 9th, 2001 | Comments are closed
Far be it for me to dispute that Perry de Havilland fits the profile for a sinister globalist illuminatus, as it is clear to us all that he is indeed one of those pain-in-the-ass illuminated ones. However, if this is some sneaky attempt on his part to become the Sinister Globalist Illuminatus Poster Boy of the Month for December 2001, I have news for you… when the Mont Pelerin Society, the Bilderburgers, the Comte de St. Germaine, the Trilateral Commission, the House of Windsor, Henry Kissenger, George Soros and (of course) the Knights Templar vote on that, they always pick someone Jewish… preferably a banker. Sorry Perry, you are just too damn WASP. December 6th, 2001 | Comments are closed
Reading the post below by our esteemed Samizdata Illuminatus, I have just realised what a ‘broad-based government’ means… a government with broads in it! Throw away those burquas, ladies! It’s time to get your snouts in the pork barrels with all the guys! Oops… maybe we need a different expression other than ‘pork barrels’ when describing government funding boondoggles in Muslim countries. December 5th, 2001 | Comments are closed
Daily Life for Al-Qaeda MEMORANDUM FROM: Bin Laden, Osama Hi guys. We’ve all be putting in long hours lately but we’ve really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says “There is no ‘I’ in ‘team'” as well as the one that says “Hang in there baby.” That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can’t forget to take care of the cave. Frankly, I have a few concerns. First of all, while it’s good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don’t want to be stung and neither do I, so we need to sweep the cave daily. I’ve posted a sign-up sheet at the main cave opening. Second, it’s not often I make a video address, but when I do I’m trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we’re taping,please don’t ride your razor scooters in the background … just while we’re taping. Thanks. Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we’re not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We’re all in this together. Fourth, food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently and clearly wrote “Osama” on the front and put it on the top shelf. Today my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration, that’s all I’m saying. Finally, we’ve heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. The first patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar and Richard. Love you lots. December 1st, 2001 | Comments are closed
Now I realise that the concept of an Objectivist-with-a-sense-of-humour (or even humor) might be straining the bounds of credulity for some readers of the Samizdata, but I beg to differ. After all, if you listen to just about anything Leonard Piekoff has said since September 11, it indicates a man with immense comedic talent and superb comic timing. He even keeps a straight face whilst indulging in collectivist whimsy like advocating lobbing nuclear weapons at various unspecified Middle Eastern cities. See what I mean? Now is that man a jolly funster or what? And so in that spirit, take a look at Modern Humorist (ignore their ghastly American spelling for a moment… there is a u shortage over there), and read ATLAS SHR: A glimpse into alternate universes where Ayn Rand’s books are all 400 pages shorter. I particular liked:
Excellent. Cheers and a funny handshake to the sinister Matt Drachenberg for pointing the Samizdata at Modern Humorist. November 29th, 2001 | Comments are closed
…with advance apologies to a certain nameless Reuters reporter who occasionally posts his own articles to the Samizdata. This little gem was pointed out to us by Mathew Drachenberg on the hilarious satirical U Thant.com site (recommended). As you might know, Reuters have been heavily criticised for refusing to call Al Qaeda ‘terrorists’:
November 28th, 2001 | Comments are closed
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