Samizdata

… hears that his friend, an economist, is in Addenbrooks [in the US version of this joke, in Mount Auburn] with a badly broken leg, and goes to visit.

Physicist: What happened?

Economist: I had just stepped off the balcony, and wham! — I fell and broke my leg.

Physicist: You stepped… off… the balcony? What on earth for?

Economist: How was I to know there would be gravity failure?

This arrived in my inbox via the Crikey email

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named ‘’Governmentium’.

Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of four years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each re-organisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as ‘Critical Morass’.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element which radiates just as much energy, since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many morons.

Cricket will be suspended indefinitely at Albion College from now on, in order to preserve the playing fields, it has been announced.

Head Boy, Mr ARP Blair said: “The groundsman has explained to me that it is vital to maintain the cricket square and outfield that have nurtured Albion’s spirit of fair play for nearly 300 years that we stop cricket immediately. Of course we must do what the groundsman says. His staff have have had great difficulties arising from boys running up and down on the pitch and using bats and balls in a most irresponsible manner. By stopping play indefinitely, he has explained, the mystery of the soil and their special gardening techniques (which he will explain to boys sitting the Rural Sciences exam), will allow them to keep the playing surfaces safe from any boys who might tear up the grass.

“We have to trust the groundsman in this. He, after all, knows more about fields than any number of cricketers. I’ve heard that some people are saying he only wants this so that he can spend more time drinking in the pavilion, and that I’m only supporting him to curry favour with those boys who have never seen the point of games or latin and would like this to be an agricultural college. Anybody saying such things is a traitor to the school’s tradition, and if I find out who they are they will be very severely dealt with.”

[Apologies to overseas readers for over-British allusions. Glossary available on request]