Earlier tonight, whilst browsing in a shop, I was listening to a song playing on the radio that I have not heard for years. It is an appallingly bad, drivellous, sappy love tune with a disco beat called Lady (Hear Me Tonight) by one-hit-wonder group Modjo. What makes this song so utterly shit are the lyrics – they were surely written by a computer or perhaps someone who does not speak English. I’m going to reproduce them now, so if you intend to read on, make sure you have a bucket within easy reach. Consider yourself warned:
Lady/Hear me tonight/’Cos my feeling/Is just so right/As we dance/By the moonlight/Can’t you see/You’re my delight/Lady/I just feel like/I won’t get you/Out of my mind/I feel loved/For the first time/And I know that it’s true/I can tell by the look in your eyes
Is this the worst song ever written? I think it a strong contender for that title, but I would like to see some differing opinion from the worldly and wise that congregate here. Therefore, inspired as I am by Johnathan’s recent vox pop and Perry’s determination to position Samizdata as a YouGov competitor, I petition you, dear reader, to leave your nominations for worst song lyrics (with a sample of the horror) in comments.
Oh come on, that is so easy to answer:
Tears For Fears’ “Everyone Wants To Rule The World”.
Please tell me exactly what this clown is trying to say in these lyrics:
Welcome to your life
There’s no turning back
Even while sleep
We will find you
Acting on your best behaviour
Turn your back on mother nature
Everybody wants to rule the world
It’s my own design
It’s my own remorse
Help me to decide
Help make the most
Of freedom and of pleasure
Nothing ever lasts forever
Everybody wants to rule the world
There’s a room where the light won’t find you
Holding hands while the walls come tumbling down
When they do I’ll be right behind you
So glad we’ve almost made it
So sad they had fade it
Everybody wants to rule the world
I can’t stand this indecision
Married with a lack of vision
Everybody wants to rule the world
Say that you’ll never never never need it
One headline why believe it ?
Everybody wants to rule the world
All for freedom and for pleasure
Nothing ever lasts forever
Everybody wants to rule the world
You can’t can you?
James’s nomination is one of my pet hates too – measured in terms of sheer bollocks and punchability. What about Edwyn Collins utterly embarrassing “Never Met a Girl Like You Before”, though?
I’ve never known a girl like you before
Now just like in a song from days of yore
Here you come a knockin’, knockin’ at my door
And I’ve never met a girl like you before
You give me just a taste so I want more and more
Now my hands are bleeding and my knees are raw
Now you’ve got me crawlin’, crawlin’ on the floor
And I’ve never met a girl like you before
You’ve made me acknowledge the devil in me
I hope to God I’m talkin’ metaphorically
Hope that I’m talkin’ allegorically
Know that I’m talkin’ about the way I feel
And I’ve never known a girl like you before
Never, never, never, never
Never known a girl like you before
This old town’s changed so much
Don’t feel like I belong
Too many protest singers
Not enough protest songs
And now you’ve come along
Yes you’ve come along
And I’ve never met a girl like you before
None of those are anywhere close to literally dozens of songs by Chris de Burgh.
I think lyrically it’s hard to beat this one:
The cold North wind they call “La Bise”
is swirling round about my knees, (eh?)
or
Oh my heart is burning like a fire,
Closer now and she is breathing desire,
Take my hand and give it all your light,
Take command I am your rhythm tonight;
Then there’s Spandau Ballet’s:
she used to be a diplomat
but now she’s down the laundromat.
Cause she’s highly strung’
which is not much different from “the 20th century’s great poet” Bob Dylan:
You used to ride on the chrome horse with your diplomat
Who carried on his shoulders a Siamese cat.
Ain’t it hard when you discover that
He really wasn’t where it’s at
I quite like this little gem of economic analysis from Marillion:
Can’t you understand that the government left me out of work?
I just couldn’t stand the looks on their faces saying “what a jerk”
I’m kinda proxy-nominating, because there was a post on Faster Than The World about stupidest song lyrics not long ago:
http://fasterthantheworld.com/2006/09/stupidest_lyrics_challenge_big.html
And “Pour Some Sugar On Me” has my vote. See the link.
see also:
http://www.deanesmay.com/posts/1157395766.shtml
John Lennon’s Imagine-
Pol Pot’s reality
I think it’s a tie between “Advance Australia Fair” (“Our land is girt by sea…..”) and that one, wotsname, that begins “Say can you see, By the dawn’s early light…”.
Nuh-uh. Des’Ree’s “Life” has you all beat hands down …
Lyrics here.
I agree with Taylor, “Imagine” takes the cringingly naff prize by a country mile.
Found a peanut, found a peanut, found a peanut last night. Last night I found a peanut, found a peanut last night.
Cracked it open, cracked it open, cracked it open last night Last night I cracked it open, cracked it open last night.
It was rotten, it was rotten, it was rotten last night, last night it was rotten, it was rotten last night.
Ate it anyway, ate it anyway, ate it anyway last night, last night I ate it anyway, ate it anyway last night.
and so on and so on and scooby dooby dooby.
Huh?
Tell you what, if writing radio-friendly house tunes is so easy, why don’t you do it? Lot of money to be made.
“Lady” isn’t even close to worst lyrics. It’s naff, yes, but so what? Basically any song Morrisey has ever written would outdo it.
btw, my vote for most inane lyrics of all time goes to either Hanson – Mmmbop, or Spice Girls – Wannabe. But seriously, when it gets down to that level, why even bother? They could be singing about white supremacism and nobody would even notice.
For those of you who weren’t brave enough to try the B-side of Terry Jacks’ “Seasons in the sun” (which is a good enough candidate in its own right), may I recommend:
“Put the bone in,” she asked him, at the store
For my doggy’s been hit by a car.
And I do want to bring
him home something
“Put the bone in”she begged him once more.
Duran Duran, Is There Something I Should Know for the absolute peach:
Dont say you’re easy on me, you’re about as easy as a nuclear war
The entire Oasis album “(What’s the Story) Morning Glory”. I always thought they took fortune cookies and strung them together into songs.
Today was gonna be the day?
But they’ll never throw it back to you
By now you should’ve somehow
Realized what you’re not to do
I don’t believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now
Two words: Muskrat Love.
they were surely written by a computer or perhaps someone who does not speak English
And you’d be right- it was written by a non-Anglophonic duo.
Your understanding of contemporary music is appallingly bad, drivellous and dripping with snobbery.
“… sappy love tune with a disco beat”? It was 2000. I’m not sure how a ‘disco beat’ would come into a commercial French house track like this one.
Seriously, get off your high horse. I can appreciate criticism of music, but you take it to a whole new level with your inverted snobbery and lack of knowledge. Stick to writing about what you know.
If you want a nomination for worst song lyrics, there are thousands more to choose from. I would have to nominate http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2004/f_electronik_supersonik.php. I can see it resonating with a few people here 😉
Walk right in, set right down.
Baby, let your hair hang down.
Yeah, walk right in, set right down,
Baby, let your hair hang down.
Everybody’s talking ‘bout a new way of walking.
Do you want to lose your mind?
Come on and walk right in, set right down.
Baby, let your hair hang down.
Yeah, walk right in, set right down.
Daddy, let your mind roll on.
Come on and walk right in, set right down.
Daddy, let your mind roll on.
Well, everybody’s talking ‘bout a new way of walking.
Do you want to lose your mind?
Come on and walk right in, set right down.
Daddy, let your mind roll on.
James – sorry, I didn’t realise there were actually fans of Modjo.
In the early Eighties a mod band called the Merton Parkas (what do you mean “who?”) released a single called “Wheels” which contained the following classic lines:
“You need wheels if you wanna make deals,
you need a tyre if you wanna get higher…”
Fast Food Rockers, Fast Food Song:
Can I take your order please?
Let’s eat to the beat
(Chorus)
A pizza hut a pizza hut
Kentucky fried chicken and a pizza hut
A pizza hut a pizza hut
Kentucky fried chicken and a pizza hut
McDonalds McDonalds
Kentucky fried chicken and a pizza hut
McDonalds McDonalds
Kentucky fried chicken and a pizza hut
You like it you love it
You know you really want it
The voices I hear
Whenever you’re around
I want it I need it
Nothing else can beat it
Hot and spicy
Whenever I’m in town (mm mm)
Enticing exciting
Aroma so inviting
And when it hits
Me, I wanna take you home
…And there is a lot more ad-fucking-nauseum.
I agree. It is execrable. Like about a hundred million others.
I heartily recommend Tom Reynolds’ book “I hate myself and want to die” for a list of the worst pop songs ever. I share with you the lyrics for his number one most depressing song ever, the Christmas Shoes. If this doesn’t make you want to slit your wrists, nothing will…
http://www.lyricsstyle.com/n/newsong/thechristmasshoes.html
If we’re just looking for the banal, though, anything by Morrissey-the-animal-rights-nutter ought to do it. They’re terrible.
Good point, Bee. Actually, can I nominate a new tune, then? A Morrissey song he released recently called How Could Anyone Possibly Know How I Feel. God, it’s appallingly bad – I simply cannot believe a full-grown man would write such adolescent drivel.
Peter Andre: Funky Junky
Trying to do my own thing
Is very hard to do
Creating style is my thing
Being funky through and through
I’ve come up with something
That’s pretty fly and new
So move your butt on up here
So you can do it too
Move it to the left
And then you move it to the right
I wanna see your body move
I think you’ve got it right
Do the funky junky
Let’s do the funky junky
Do that funky junky baby
Do the funky junky
Pretty well any Talk Talk lyrics were a load of old tosh, (although the music was good).
Come wanton spring, come
For birth you live
Youth takes its bow before the summer the seasons bring
Waiting for the colour of spring
Let me breathe
I posted on this about 2 years ago. My vote was for MacArthur Park – which is fading from public memory – but still appallingly bad. See the link for some lyrics.
http://voluntaryxchange.typepad.com/voluntaryxchange/2004/04/50_worst_songs_.html
Bad songs are different from bad performances. In the latter is Leonard Nimoy doing the Ballad of Bilbo Baggins (there’s a video of that too).
Lastly, a commenter suggested Happy Together as covered by The Leningrad Cowboys. I’d have to say that if you’re wondering if there can possibly be something worse out there than your pick, then you should go check this one out first: thick accents, bad heavy metal, Flo and Eddie … it doesn’t get much worse.
ok um, everyone, maybe you dont like lyrics which you find difficult to interpret, or you find that certain children’s songs are ridiculous (as they should be, anyway).
but think of the lyrics out there that people take seriously.
for example, Hilary Duff. ‘The Beat of My Heart’
i memorised the words halfway through the song.
Chorus:
The beat of my heart,
The beat of my heart,
The beat of my heart,
It tears us apart.
The beat of my heart,
The beat of my heart,
The beat of my heart,
Now I’m back to the start.
To the beat of my,
To the beat of my,
To the beat of my heart,
Eve6 – Inside Out
How this crap gets airplay I don’t understand. the rhyme “tender” and “blender” evokes my gag reflex!
“I would swallow my pride,
I would choke on the rhines,
but the lack thereof would leave me empty inside,
swallow my doubt
turn it inside out
find nothing but faith in nothing.
Want to put my tender heart in a blender,
watch it spin around into a beautiful oblivion.
Rendezvous, then I’m through with you
I burn, burn like a wicker cabinet,
chalk white and oh so frail.
I see our time has gotten stale.
The tick tock of the clock is painful,
all sane and logical.
I want to tear it off the wall.
I hear words in clips and phrases,
I think sick like ginger ale,
My stomach turns and I exhale.
it’s a jam man.
I think you guys have too much time on your hands to be hating the work of other individuals with more talent in their little pinky toe than you have in your whole body. If you don’t like it don’t listen smarty-pants. And for the idiot who said John Lennon’s Imagine is a bad song, you have crap for brains and should really shoot yourself.