This is one of the more hilarious spoofs of PETA I have seen in ages. It recently showed up in my Inbox and I simply must share it with you, our readers:
Johnstown, PA (GlossyNews) – Local and state police scoured the hills outside rural Johnstown, Pennsylvania, after reports of three animal rights activists missing after attempting to protest the wearing of leather at a large motorcycle gang rally this weekend. Two others, previously reported missing, were discovered by fast food workers “duct taped inside several fast food restaurant dumpsters,” according to police officials. “Something just went wrong,” said a still visibly shaken organizer of the protest. “Something just went horribly, horribly, wrong.”
The organizer said a group of concerned animal rights activist groups, “growing tired of throwing fake blood and shouting profanities at older women wearing leather or fur coats,” decided to protest the annual motorcycle club event “in a hope to show them our outrage at their wanton use of leather in their clothing and motor bike seats.” “In fact,” said the organizer, “motorcycle gangs are one of the biggest abusers of wearing leather, and we decided it was high time that we let them know that we disagree with them using it… ergo, they should stop.”
According to witnesses, protesters arrived at the event in a vintage 1960’s era Volkswagen van and began to pelt the gang members with balloons filled with red colored water, simulating blood, and shouting “you’re murderers” to passers by. This, evidently, is when the brouhaha began.
“They peed on me!!!” charged one activist. “They grabbed me, said I looked like I was French, started calling me ‘La Trene’, and duct taped me to a tree so they could pee on me all day!”
“I… I was trying to show my outrage at a man with a heavy leather jacket, and he… he didn’t even care. I called him a murderer, and all he said was, ‘You can’t prove that.’ Next thing I know he forced me to ride on the back of his motorcycle all day, and would not let me off, because his girl friend was out of town and I was almost a woman.”
Still others claimed they were forced to eat hamburgers and hot dogs under duress. Those who resisted were allegedly held down while several bikers “farted on their heads.”
Police officials declined comments on any leads or arrests due to the ongoing nature of the investigation, however, organizers for the motorcycle club rally expressed “surprise” at the allegations..
“That’s preposterous,” said one high-ranking member of the biker organizing committee. “We were having a party, and these people showed up and were very rude to us. They threw things at us, called us names, and tried to ruin the entire event. So, what did we do? We invited them to the party! What could be more friendly than that? You know, just because we are all members of motorcycle clubs does not mean we do not care about inclusiveness. Personally, I think it shows a lack of character for them to be saying such nasty things about us after we bent over backwards to make them feel welcome.”
When confronted with the allegations of force-feeding the activists meat, using them as ad hoc latrines, leaving them incapacitated in fast food restaurant dumpsters, and ‘farting on their heads,’ the organizer declined to comment in detail. “That’s just our secret handshake,” assured the organizer.
“secret handshake” ha ha ha… love it!
The story just turned up in my inbox too, with a pic of a protester duct taped to a tree…
Please tell me this isn’t a spoof, but for real?
Hunter Thompson lives! They may thank their lucky stars we live in gentler PC times, Sonny Barger would have just slow barbecued them!
Classic!
At times like this, I always like to go back and remember the time in 2005 when Greenpeace attempted to shut down the International Petroleum Exchange. Really, happy times….
This is all good for a laugh, and I’m as much for a good laugh as anyone.
But some of these people are as serious as a heart attack. If you don’t believe me, watch something like the show ‘Whale Wars’, which chronicles the jolly japes of a bunch of retread hippies and trustafarians who earnestly believe that their opinions about the lives of whales are morally-correct to the exclusion of all others, and who are prepared to risk any human life – not just their own – to enforce their views on the rest of us.
Lots of these ‘activists’ suffer from similar terrifying moral certainties, and they’d be happy if you were to die for disagreeing with them. We shouldn’t just dismiss them as a joke. Well, not all of them, anyway . . .
llater,
llamas
I ride a motorcycle but most of my gear is made from modern fabrics that contain kevlar. Leather was ok in the days when there was nothing else that offered protection in the event of a spill but modern fabrics are better in that respect and also waterproof.
Still, many traditionalists prefer leather and the story is still pretty funny. I am trying to train myself to spot the spoof stories because I still get taken in now and again. I have a feeling that if it had not been pointed out in advance that this one was a joke, I might have swallowed this one, at least for a while.
“…who earnestly believe that their opinions about the lives of whales are morally-correct to the exclusion of all others, and who are prepared to risk any human life – not just their own – to enforce their views on the rest of us….Lots of these ‘activists’ suffer from similar terrifying moral certainties, and they’d be happy if you were to die for disagreeing with them.”
I’ll have nothing to do with animal rights activists, but anyone who can live without moral certainty is not someone I’d want anything to do with either.
Stonyground, I ride a bike too, and use synthetic gear. But I was under the impression that leather still offers greater protection for sliding along the tarmac on your bum. ISTR tracks require leathers if you want to take your bike on a track day. The down-side of leathers is that they aren’t waterproof.
The element that convinced me it was a hoax was that for the story to be true would have required PETA activists to display some guts.
I’m so sorry to hear that this didn’t actually happen – but then if it did, I’d be just as sorry for not witnessing it first hand…
Yeah, it’s one of the classic spoof tales, up there with the classic about the Texan Klan types who decide to try and disrupt a Wiccan gathering at a local park only to discover the hard way that it was an Asatru BBQ
(For the uninformed, Asatru are followers of the old Norse Gods. Texan Asatru tend to be extremely well armed and also tend to have a preference for large cutlery).
I’d like to know what the protesters’ footwear was made of.
I have never failed to state, sometimes very loudly, that “animal rights acitivists” are quite the most dangerous objects on the planet right now. Asteroids do not even come close. Furthermore, “Islamic fundamentalists” are nowhere by comparison, the few that truly exist and really really want martyrdom in exchange for inconveniencing civilisation for a few days being only the unwitting tools of Western GramscoFabiaNazis – as has been the case since about 1910, when The Second Reich temporarily viewed them as a crowbar to deprive us of our Gulf oil and redirect it.
But this “animal” thing – it’s really scary, isnt’ it, how it grabs at the heart-strings of sometimes the most rational and otherwise-charming and liberal people. It’s as if all the stressful externailities, all the genetic bottlenecks, all the tectonic and climate-driven events on the planet of the last 8-million-years, which forced an otherwise-unremarkable ape to develop in ways that prouced a modelling-brain that could conceptualise and weigh up competing abstractions, are actually of no value, and are for nothing, and do not cause this strange animal to be differentiatable from a whale, or a chimp, or a mouse, or a gnat, in any way whatsoever.
Personally, I blame climate-change.
The serious point of the article was, of course, that the left go for “soft targets” (such as women in fur coats) rather than for people who will fight back.
It is a serious point – and it is true.
Rob Fisher, You are probably correct that leather is better. I try to make a point of not testing the sliding potential of my gear out. If the worst happens it will certainly be better than the flared jeans that I used to wear in the seventies.
Regarding leather vs synthetics – leather is better.
a) it breathes better
b) it is way more comfortable in hot weather
c) it ‘conditions’ to the body in ways that synthetics never can. Lewis made my leathers in the late 70’s, it took them 2-3 years to really get to fit me right, and now (on the rare occasions that I ride a motorcycle) they still fit and flex with me they way they did back then. Synthetics start out good and degrade – leather starts out bad and gets better.
d) when some part like a zipper or a Velcro patch fails, you can always secure leathers with duct tape and the scrutineers will pass them. You may be stuck in your boots until dinner-time, but you still get to race. Duct tape doesn’t stick to synthetics properly.
e) all but the most expensive & exotic synthetics have the issue of friction melting – if you go to sliding, leather slows you down by wearing away. Synthetics slow you down (in part) by melting, which is great until you have to peel the molten material off your skin.
JMHO
llater,
llamas – BMCRC 1978-1981
The serious point of the article was, of course, that the left go for “soft targets” (such as women in fur coats) rather than for people who will fight back.
Perfect. I knew this conceptually, but I couldn’t figure out how to say/write it – as well-stated as this anyways.
Thanks.
@mike “but anyone who can live without moral certainty is not someone I’d want anything to do with either.”
The point is they do not entertain any concept of flaw in their stance.
As rational beings most Libertarians know there is the ever present possibility that our stance can alter, be improved, evolve, mutate. I am most certain that I will change my opinions when the facts change* or I am further enlightened. I do not profess infallibility nor total wisdom, but some people do and they are the dangerous ones.
* It was so ironic that Keynes made that “When facts change, I change my mind. What do you do, sir?”, seeing as he was wrong to begin with, so as that fact did not change he remained wrong 😉
I still laugh at the chutzpah of the guy who set up the peta.org website (People Eating Tasty Animals). However the hate mail that generated was rabid.
The real laugh-out-loud (and I really did laugh out loud; not like those idiots who punctuate all their online posts with “lol”) moment for me was “I called him a murderer and all he said was ‘you can’t prove that’.”
Hilarious.
Here’s a good video on animal rights http://meat.org