Personal Details
Your Full Name
Address
Contact Telephone Number
E-mail Address
Date of Birth
Occupation
Ethnic Origin
Are you making this application on your behalf or as agent or carer for some other person(s)? If the latter, then please provide their personal details on the attached Supplementary Form
Do you wish to be visited at home by a Personal Hygiene Co-ordinator? (This is not mandatory but voluntary participation in the Personal Hygiene Home Consultation Scheme will speed up your application). Your current underwear
How many items of your current underwear do you wish to change?
Please describe the items (including colour, size, style, brand, type of fabric, date of purchase, place of purchase and territory or country of manufacture).
How long have you been wearing your current underwear?
If your application is successful, what do you intend to do with your current underwear?
A. Wash them? (If “yes” then please provide full details, including method of washing and details of any chemicals/detergents to be used in the washing and/or drying process.
Note: If you intend to wash you current underwear then your application must be accompanied by the following:
1. An Environmental Impact Assessment which must contain details of the amount of energy that will used and the carbon dioxide produced in the washing/drying process; AND
2. A Certificate of Compliance issued by the European Chemicals Agency to certify that all chemicals/detergents to be used in the washing/drying process are permitted for domestic use under the EU REACH Directive 2006/121/EC.
B. Dispose of them? (If “yes” then please provide full details of method, place, time and date of intended disposal).
Note: If you intend to dispose of your current underwear then your application must be accompanied by a Certificate of Compliance issued by The Environment Agency that the underwear is being disposed of in accordance with the relevant provisions of The Controlled Waste Regulations 1992.
Your new underwear
How many new items of underwear do you intend to wear?
Please describe all items (including colour, size, style, brand, type of fabric, date of purchase, place of purchase and territory or country of manufacture).
Have you purchased your new underwear within the last 3 months? If so, please provide a copy of the purchase receipt.
Was you new underwear (or any single item of it) a gift from someone else? If so, please provide full personal details of the donor(s) on the attached Supplementary Form.
For how long do you intend to wear your new underwear?
Do you intend to make similar applications in the future? If so, please estimate when you will make your next application?
Previous applications
Please provide dates and reference numbers for all your previous Change of Underwear Licence applications (regardless of whether the licences were granted or not).
Further Notes
1. Please remember to sign and date the application form.
2. Please remember to complete and enclose the accompanying Fee Payment Form for payment of the application fee of £35.00. We cannot process your application until the fee is paid.
3. Please note that it is a criminal offence, punishable by a fine of up to £2500.00 and/or six months imprisonment, to change your underwear without first having obtained the appropriate licence.
4. In accordance with our Customer Service Charter, we endeavour to process all applications within 28 days of payment of the application fee.
5. Please send the completed application form(s) with the fee to:
The Public Hygiene Inspectorate
P.O. Box 328
Albert Embankment
London SE1 3PQ
Shhhh. Don’t give them ideas.
Are copies of the form available in other languages?
Why do I need a separate form for permission to take a shower?
Ahem…..Boxer Rebellion anyone?
Mr Tremayne,
Much as I am fond of a joke, and also fond of Samizdata, you must realise that this kind of thing JUST ISN’T FUNNY ANY LONGER.
No, you’re quite right Brian, it really isn’t funny. I think you’ll find that is what satire is. Seemingly funny on the surface and yet with a deadly serious core.
What are the penalties for unauthorized underwear changing?
Of course this is why all true Libertarians permanently eschew all forms of underwear and ‘go commando’ !
Sadly there are always those smug selfish people who cheat the system and wear clean underwear everyday. The gap between the have and have nots is a grotesque.
Thaddeus,
Are you au fait with the Viz “Bottom Inspectors”? As ever, us Geordies got there first…
Nick.
Is there a different form for changing ones’ bra? Because, you know…if it isn’t a particularly hot day, or if I am working at home, I might…er, you know… wear it again.
Just to save the effort of adding it to the laundry. If it doesn’t really seem that… you know, dirty.
Not like the…erm. Other undergarments. Change those every day. Honest. Cross my heart.
(Is someone listening/making a record of all this?)
Also… erm. Is it deductable, off one’s income tax return? The implications are staggaring, actually…
When did the Vogons land, and how did they sneak under the radar to take over our society.
After all, they are exceedingly large, ugly, clumsy, and probably smelly, so someone should have noticed.
One theory is that they infiltrated the poetry departments of several major universities, and used thoseendowed seats as launching pads for an eventual coup.
Given the state of modern poetry, this theory has a certain plausibility…
This must be another clever ploy to reduce crime! Filling in all that paperwork will keep EVERYBODY off the streets! Policers will then become happy paper-pushers, prison guards can emigrate to Cuba for jobs, and Mail delivery firms will be the new rich kids on the block. A win-win situation all round. What’s everyone complaining about?
Sgt Mom,
It may not be “deductible” but think of the reduction in your carbon footprint by not washing that bra! Don’t do it repeatedly and you might save an entire fraction of an iceberg! Saint Al would be so proud of you.
Is the “forwards, backwards, inside out forwards, backwards” accounting method acceptable under the new smalls regime?
Ahem…..Boxer Rebellion anyone?
Sadly, there will be no more than a brief struggle.
***Ahem…..Boxer Rebellion anyone?
Sadly, there will be no more than a brief struggle.***
Touche!
You have seen Gordon Brown, and you still have to ask?
According to his university flatmate, Gordo used to stuff all his old laundry under the bed, on the theory that the dirt would break down over time, leaving it clean. I have a sneaking feeling that he is still following this theory. Has anyone ever stood downwind of him and lived to tell the tale?
And what about the – ahem – imaginative re-use of schoolgirls knickers pioneered by the Japanese?
I’m not going to Google it or post a link – I’m not that crazy…
This suggests a new name for the line of resistance against all infringements of liberty:
the Y front
Been wrestling with the real thing lately, Thaddeus? That’s frighteningly accurate.
Tanuki: Oh yes. That’s what we mean by “freedom”. Isn’t it?
…and all because the libertarian movement was underfunded by al those tighty-whiteys.
This is comparable to Canadian immigration forms.
And it always seems like such a nice place.
In the movie Bananas, the mad revolutionary dictator insisted that all underwear must be changed every half hour.
By now, that doesn’t sound so far-fetched.
Thaddeus,
If you’re going to copy the form which our town requires us to complete in order to change our trash collection date, the least you could do is acknowledge the source.