“Blair calls for homegrown Imams”
A quiet revolution is taking place in this green and pleasant land. In allotments and smallholdings all over the country the age-honoured and customary rows of marrows and ornamental cabbages are rapidly being replaced by a new and exotic species.
Spurred on by a combination of Tony Blair’s exhortations and the availability of generous government grants, farmers and market gardeners from Penzance to Perthshire are nurturing the first green shoots of what they hope will be a bumper crop of Muslim clerics.
Competition between growers is already hotting up as early adopters of the new fashion vie with each other for horticultural prestige. At the 78th Annual Chipping Sodbury Country Fair, Mrs. Gladys Whinge of Tetbury won First Prize for her record-breaking 254lb Imam which she calls ‘Yusuf’.
“The important thing is to use plenty of steaming, fresh horse manure”, said Mrs. Whinge “so I read the Guardian to him every day”.
The retail markets is already gearing up for what they hoping will be a huge demand for the homegrown Imams in 2008 with supermarket chain Waitrose leading the way by announcing that locally-produced Imams will be sold under their new ‘Koranic’ range.
And here I thought my plan, to cut up any Imam I found into little pieces and bury the parts all over the country, might get me into trouble! Do parts regrow themselves? Maybe I’d better rethink that part….
Would it be easier to get some C of E clerics to convert?
I can’t see it would be much inconvenience to them – as the strongest signs of any belief they generally exhibit are vaguely liberal left wing leanings.
Then we could add to the List: Sunni, Shi`a, Kharijite…. And Anglican! AnglIslam a sort of Sufi-Lite.
Charles could be the defender of the faiths and head of the sect.
Hopefully the worst one might expect of them would be to turn against non organic vegetables and fanatically boycott them. Or possibly to develop a terrible rivalry over prize jams and marrows.
A cunning plan, the best way to hobble anything is to get the state involved with it. As Tony Blair should know full well after 10 years of trying to shoehorn it into every aspect of life he could.
In the interest of ‘balance’ I shall endeavour to grow Sharon fruit side by side with my Imams and, of course, I shall try not to listen to BBC Gardeners’ World bias, that the Sharon fruit tries to steal the innocent Imam’s earth and water and that we must therefore support the Imam.
I expect to see something about Bush’s speech soon, I hope.
I thought it was quite good.
Of course, the radical Imams would lead to militant sprouts taking offensive aciton against the rest of the vegetables, such as flying a hijacked shopping trolley full of barbie-lighter into a pile of Jersey Royals.
The left-wing theatre could then promote lots of new productions of ‘Chips With Everything’.
Does anyone know the THC content of home grown Imam ?
Pretty explosive stuff I gather!
Whats new? Westminster has been able to produce prize turnips season after season. I see no change here except the new variety will be poisonous to mankind and utterly lacking in nutritional value.
Over the past few years, to the traditional sounds of an English summer, the drone of lawnmowers, the smack of leather on willow, has been added a new noise…
Ah yes ! the evening call to water.
“Would it be easier to get some C of E clerics to convert?”
Convert from what?
But you have to believe in God to be an Imam! 🙂
If I ever find one of those so-called ‘home-grown’ imams sprouting in my garden, I’m pouring bloody weed killer on it and hitting it with a shovel.
Aren’t there some unemployed ex-soviet agricultural managers that could be hired and placed in charge of collectivized farms for growing imams?
Couple of drought years later, they’d be scarcer than hen’s teeth.
Better yet, hire N Korea’s Minister of Agriculture. Imams in London will be as plentiful as steaks in Pyongyang by the end of the summer.
But you have to believe in God to be an Imam! 🙂
Perry – Not necessarily why should it be any more de rigeur in AnglIslam than in Anglicanism.
Surely a positive benefit 😉 for an imam to have some honest reservations and a relaxed attitude…
Still maybe we are straying onto dangerous ground here, don’t want to chance the Circle of Heretics 😉
]
I see you’re picking on those of us who have joined that fanatical doomed death cult led by the Archbishop of Canterbury. Where’s the love?
On a more serious note, I thought I’d try planting an imam in a back corner of one vegetable patch just to see what happened. I fear that my tomatoes were all horribly burned to the sounds of “Die, infidel Jewish dog vines!”
I had such high hopes for those tomatoes too.
Jeez.
“Hi, I’m Sunfish, and I’ll be your thread-killer tonight. May I recommend the awkward silence with a nice glass of Ripple Blanc?”
Tomatoes are not Jewish, they are Native Americans. Does that help?
What, tomatos can’t convert? I thought Judaism was tolerant?
Would there be a typical Jewish fruit? An orange would be such a fruit. Whilst not communist red, they are part of a bunch, so near-red orange is a good colour, AND they have to be circumcised (peeled) to be any good!
yes, nick…we’re sure you meant it in the nicest possible way ;>
i’ve got an idea…figure out how to make a profit on growing imams and watch the gov’t tax and regulate them out of existence.
Imams would be a not-for-prophet item, nichevo! They’re vexatious and unoriginal, and gang up on other imams who show any deviance. No new message there!
Now your Angloclerics not only can disagree on every subject, but insist on doing so!
not-for-prophet…you have me there, nick, i must withdraw.
maybe as with the boris johnson t’graph article on caroline flint and the wine labels, the freshly grown imams can somehow be stamped with ‘haz. to the health, sanity, etc.’ stickers.
or perhaps special fertilizer could be certified and mandated for imam seedlings, only the finest purest pig-shiite.
anyway i thought it was a fine idea for all existing imams to be planted.
Imams are best left alone in sandy soil- A WARNING! Once they have grown accustomed to a place, they will return by unknown means to the same territory (See ‘Day of the Triffids’). We tried sending one of ours, who had grown to almost like the place, back to his home of Cairo, but, after bad-mouthing the neighbourhood, he returned, muttering something about having been quoted out of context. this works better than a visa, and Hilaly was let back in. We can’t get rid of him, and we’ve tried! YHBW
Judaism is tolerant, but not inclusive.
Oranges are Chinese. There is no typical Jewish fruit, but there is a typical Jewish fruitcake, which can include, among other ingredients, a variety of assorted nuts.