Thanks to my investigative reporting skills, I came across the following draft of the Conservative Party manifesto for the next General Election. It makes for fascinating reading:
“A Tory Party will be a Green government. Global warming, along with terrorism and capitalism, is the greatest threat to our lives. Today’s Tory Party has shed its outmoded addiction to markets, freedom and selfish individualism. Instead, we pledge to shut down industrial civilisation during the course of our first term of office, although we realise that this goal is an ambitious one. Flights will be banned, along with cars, buses, trains, central heating, electric power stations, ports, ferries, factories, foundaries, shipyards, computer stations, everything.
We do of course accept that this policy is a radical one. However, under the funky leadership of David Cameron, a man who has already been prepared for the big challenges of life by his career as an old Etonian and executive for Carlton Communications, we believe our policy of returning to a glorious pre-industrial age is one that is sure to capture the public’s imagination.
Vote Conservative.
Sounds like a real winner to me.
Roughly translates as,
Yes, but with the current “green” policy dutch auction taking place between the parties, in order to top the Tories , Labour will promise to take us back to the stone age within the next parliament so as to cut our greehouse gas emissions by 99.9% (or about 3 weeks of China’s emissions)
Lord knows what the LibDems will propose to top this. The slaying of the 1st born perhaps?
Good ole’ Zak would love that policy. What a bunch of prats the Tories have become.
“funky”? This can’t be real.
Good to see the Tories (or, as I prefer to call the Conservatives, the Cons) have actually got a policy! I thought they’d just be all things to all people, and now I see they’ve got goals to aspire towards! How long has this been going on, and why was nobody told? Maybe they’re just looking for the policies they left behind in the past? Or that spine that they threw out? Or the guts to stand for something just because it’s true?
You left out the exception clause, ” all these do not of course apply to me or mine”. Now I can believe it.
U bin talkin to Iowahawk, havnt u.
(Just thought I would show how I am getting in touch with with Blair’s Britain’s education system)
(Sorry about the comma. Some things just slip through)
Funny old species we humans, arn’t we?
We appear to prefer hardship to ease.
What with all the major British political parties desperately outbidding each other to see whose hair shirt is hairyest, Libertarians are truely fucked as to where to put our crosses come the next Election.
The spirit of the Blitz is alive and well, with our children brainwashed by Greenness from infants school onwards and full grown adults enthusiastically doing the Councils job for them, separating glass from metal, paper from cardboard, household waste into little smelly brown bins, garden waste into the green bins (for chrissakes dont ever try to burn it or the police helecopter will be hovering over your house and a swat team surrounding it before you’ve got a decent blaze going!) And happily paying through the nose for it.
I pray every night, odd for an atheist, (told you we are an odd species) for the little green men in the flying saucers to turn up.
We will either have to unite to fight them, like in Independence Day, or they will solve our problems with a power source we have no idea of.
Either way we will soon forget all this Green crap and get back to business.
RAB – not in our household. I’ve found that burning all combustible waste reduces the volume of rubbish left sufficiently to fit in to one fortnightly wheelie bin collection. As a bonus, the big green lidded blackmail-sorry-recycling bin turns out to be ideal for storing stuff in the garden.
Of course, this is probably not what the council had in mind when they tried to turn me into an unpaid rag picker by messing about with a perfectly good rubbish collection schedule…
After the BBC’s lunchtime news piece which told me I’d have to go without electricity, heating, electrical appliances, a car, and a holiday simply to meet this 50% goal (energy saving lightbulbs and insulation would be a woeful gain), I looked around for my carbon footprint.
Lo and behold, if I opt out of public services I could cut my personal footprint by 12%. I’d like to do that and keep my household appliances and electricity, please.
Good god.
I’m going to have to think up a new internet handle.
…why the sudden Green craziness?
Seriously though… if you read stuff like the Cluetrain Manifesto, aren’t they saying the internet is taking to a pre-indiustrial age in terms of people’s attitudes and communication – whoich is becoming a lot more focussed on the individual. Mass-industrial production led to mass communication and the rise of the masses…. the internet is re-individualising everyone (who has broadbamd access and a computer) again.
That is entirely correct, Simon.
{humour}
Without hot running water, Funky Indeed. The tempation to shower will be much easier to resist.
Better buy stock in perfumeries.
The joke’s on you, RAB. They are already here. They look human. They sound human. They have convinced most of the world that they are human. These (temporarily) humanoid creatures even have a diabolical sense of humor. Their goal is to erase human life from the planet so they can have it all for their space alien selves.
Oh, the “sense of humor” part? These little green men, they call themselves “the Greens”.
Dammit Mid !
You Lewis Libby’ed me!!
I’ve been trying to jolly the Samizdatas into a false sense of security for years now!
I will have to take my scaley lanky ass back to David Ike’s site where I belong!
Pauses to scarf down a couple of raw small rodents.
Yum! Couple of degrees of temperature increase and they will be just right…
That could just as well be the Al-Quaida manifesto.
Where was that laptop found?
There are a lot of people confused by capitalism and free markets success. “Conservatives” are now realising that their success implies many of them would be unemployed shortly.
The carts will be round to collect the bodies on alternate weeks,there will be stiff fines for those putting bodies out at other times.Bags will be provided,it will be illegal t use other receptacles.most homes have room for two bags.
Severe penalties will follow any fly tipping of anthropogenic human waste
There will be grants for local councils to set up District Charnel Houses to process the excess carbon.
The future is Bright Vote Conservative.
Speaking as somebody who has stood in locals for the Tory Party on two recent occasions, I have to say that Camoron is about as green as the stuff in my nose, with a similar consistency and utility.
I doubt I can in any conscience vote at all at the next election, unless it is for a personal friend or acquaintance;as for reducing the number of flights I take, I have a distant hope that one day I will fly to Canada on a one-way ticket.
I’m short of money, but obviously I consider it my duty now to take a long-haul holiday this year, somewhere like San Fransisco.