Tony Millard writes about Nigeria, Cameroon and Russia from the middle of Tuscany.
Two days ago I got a typical Nigerian fraud scam email and, in a spirit of light-hearted humour, forwarded it to a few people with a preamble to the effect that USD$ 5,000,000 fee for giving my bank account details to someone in Africa was a good deal and should be pursued with enthusiasm as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I got the usual responses from the usual people (i.e. more or less polite trying to ‘appreciate’ the joke) but one stood out. It was from the wife of a friend of mine, who worked for the UN for many years in Africa.
I think it makes great reading and confirms what we already know, that the UN is a pointless bloated gravy train that has nothing to do with Africans, who seem to be written off by them as some sort of cattle, and everything to do with driving around in large 4x4s and going to self-serving meetings at my and your expense.
I reproduce is the email below in full, witholding the name of the person as the couple are good friends, despite their employment history…
Dear Tony,
I just read your mail “Blessing In Disguise”. I suppose it is a joke, not being very good at sensing British humor. But in case it is not, I just want to share a few things from my own experience. You know that I have worked in Africa with different missions for the UN in the 90s, the longest one being in Cameroon, a country neighboring Nigeria. Camerooneese are very violent people and my life was several times in danger. However, compared to Nigerians, they are angels. I have been told by UN and World Bank officials never to set foot in Nigeria. It is a country where pistols and knives are used daily especially in Lagos. I have heard of people having rented a car who had to go to their hotels naked, stripped from their clothes, their money and car stolen. Even the Cameroonese avoid Nigeria.
When I came back from Cameroon to Paris, the only Cameroonese woman I trusted there, a young lady employed by the government, called me to let me know that she was arriving in Paris for a visit. I was gearing up to do everything to help her but immediately upon her arrival, I received an official call from the UN people inquiring if she was staying with me and telling me to get rid of her immediately. Apparently, after my departure from Cameroon, she together with a group of other women, had visited the police to lodge a complaint against me, accusing me of spreading propaganda against their government.
Imagine that! I worked for their government. My contacts at the World Bank later told me that once I were back in Cameroon, I’d be chucked in the underground of the airport where they would probably let me rot for days in the horrendous heat (for comparison, Tuscany temperatures in the middle of the summer are positively winter-like there).
The problem with the people in these countries is that corruption, violence and deception are ubiquitous and not addressed by the police, as such behavior appears to be the norm in their mind. You cannot trust anybody. Frankly, I’d rather go today to Iraq than any time to Cameroon or Nigeria.
Btw, similar precautions apply to any deal in which the Russians are involved…Our good Lithuanian friend, when he was doing business in Russia, never travelled without a pistol in his pocket and always accompanied with two ‘gardes du corps’…
Tony, let me know very quickly that this is a joke so that I stop worrying.
XXX
At one point a friend of mine was discussing an infrastructure deal that might have required one or more of us to visit Nigeria. The advice was to avoid Lagos if at all possible, and if one does have to go there, always travel with armed security people. Some in your car, and more in a car trailing somewhat behind, just in case…
I recently received one of those e-mails, and the best response I could think of was to give them the routing codes for the IRS, but then the IRS probably wouldn’t notice that the money was missing. If anybody has a check from the department of homeland security I think that we should let the Department in on the jackpot by sending off their routing information to Nigeria.
Lagos is the arsehole of the world… the only good thing I can say about it is that it is a long way away from where I live now and I don’t have to be there anymore!
I know people who work in the oil industry and Nigeria is one particular posting that everyone tries to avoid if possible. Recruiting experienced staff to work there is becoming increasingly difficult for some companies with contracts in Nigeria.
Compared to Lagos, places such as Port Harcourt are relatively safe. Nonetheless, expatriate families live in guarded camps and have most facilities provided for them but it becomes a very secluded lifestyle and the dangers of being kidnapped and held for ransom are still very real for anyone straying outside “safe” areas. Outside their camp they have armed guards with them although how reliable those guards would be in facing down armed hijackers is another matter.
I heard a story recently of someone working for an oil contractor (sorry about this being a “friend of a friend” story but it really is true) who felt the dangers of working in Nigeria were overstated and went to visit Lagos prior to moving out there to work. The man in question (described to me as being a bit naive) thought that ‘everything would be be okay’ provided he was careful. He was kidnapped shortly after getting off the plane at Lagos and held to ransom. He was released safely but was described as having had his eyes opened to reality (and his wallet opened up as well I presume).
Oil field equipment has apparently been known to disappear in the middle of the night from depots policed by armed guards who never hear a thing at the time of the theft and I’ve also heard that a complete wellhead was stolen on one occasion (an unsubstantiated story but wouldn’t surprise me if true). And of course there was controversy a few years back when Shell’s pipelines were regularly bursting causing pollution, leading to compensation claims from the local people affected. Any suggestion that the locals were deliberately sabotaging the pipelines to make money from the compensation were met with howls of protest from the green lobby who had no doubt as to who the real criminals were…
Hey! I’ve lived in Nigeria, albeit in the North and its no way near as bad as the writer is making it sound! Sheesh!
And exactly why should America’s security rely in Cameroon and friends?
And what does this say about Jacques Brezhnev (supposedly the Poles are calling him this) ChiraQ??
Brehznev – it’s been years since I had to spell it.
That could still be wrong, but I don’t care!