INCOMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My word, HMG has been busy of late. You’d think the prospect of impending Middle East conflagration might slow them down a tad, but no, not this lot. They’ve still found the time and dedication to set hundreds of monkeys loose on thousands of typewriters and they’ve whipped up a thunderous swarm of new laws and initiatives with which they hope to cure All The Problems in the Known Universe.

So what, exactly, are the primates gibbering on about now? Let’s see, shall we:

“This approach will enable my Government to continue to invest in the public services, while supporting major programmes of reform on health, education, transport and crime.”

They’re going to whack up taxes again so they can feed the public sector while endlessly tinkering around with the Soviet-style systems in a vain attempt to get them to work properly.

“New types of sentence will be introduced to protect the public from dangerous offenders, help reduce re-offending and deal with young offenders.”

None of which will stop our houses getting burgled, our cars getting stolen or our loved ones getting mugged for their loose change.

“The Bill will also allow retrials for those acquitted of serious offences where new and compelling evidence emerges. It will also simplify the rules of evidence to allow judge and jury to hear all the facts, including relevant previous convictions of a defendant.”

Yes, because abolishing the right to a fair trial is a sure and certain way to keep the crime figures down!

“My Government will introduce a Bill to tackle anti-social behaviour that damages communities.

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“A Bill will be brought forward to modernise the laws on sexual offences and to strengthen the framework of penalties for sex offenders to protect the public.”

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

“A Bill will also be introduced to improve international co-operation in tackling crime, including drugs trafficking, and to modernise the arrangements for international mutual assistance to catch criminals.”

Hello to the European Arrest Warrant, goodbye to Habeas Corpus.

“My Government will bring forward legislation to streamline the licensing system for premises selling alcohol.”

Alright, I’ll give them that one. Long overdue actually. Still, if you toss around enough mud, some of it hits the right spot.

“Legislation will be brought forward to devolve power and resources to frontline staff; give greater freedom to successful hospitals while increasing their accountability to local communities; and to introduce an independent health inspectorate.”

More jobs for Guardianistas!

“University reform proposals will be published to improve access and build on excellence.”

More semi-literate cretins taking degrees in ‘Cake Preparation’ to keep the unemployment figures from rising.

“A Bill will be brought forward to establish a Railway Accident Investigation Branch…”

More jobs for Guardianistas!

“Legislation will also be introduced to provide for the holding of referendums on the issue of regional governance in England.”

We set about abolishing England, keep our masters in Brussels happy and provide even more jobs for Guardianistas!! An HMG Trifecta!

“Measures will be brought forward to protect our environment, including legislation on the conservation and proper management of water.

And even more jobs for Guardianistas plus the added benefit of crippling industry with lashings of unnecessary red-tape. What’s not to like?

“A Bill will be introduced to enable Parliament to reach a conclusion on hunting with dogs.”

You realise, of course, that this means war.

“My Government will make a decision on whether to recommend entry into the single currency on the basis of the assessment of the Five Economic Tests to be completed by next June.”

Because Europe is heading down the toilet-bowl of history and we are determined to bravely follow them.

“My Government will work for rapid and effective implementation of the agreements reached at the recent World Summit for Sustainable Development in Johannesburg and will focus on tackling climate change and finding new ways to meet our energy needs.”

We’re going to abolish breathing.

“Britain’s aid budget will be increased and we will work to implement the Africa Action Plan in response to the New Partnership for Africa’s Development.”

And we’ll even save time and paperwork by remitting your money direct to the numbered Swiss bank account of Mr. R. Mugabe.

It’s all getting a bit much, it really is. I think it’s beginning to overwhelm me. Living in Britain is like taking part in a 24-hour Grumblethon. Phone in with your generous pledges, ladies and gentlemen. All receipts to HM Treasury who will syphon it all off into the infinite black hole of the public purse, never to be seen or heard from again. Just keep paying and smile like you’re having a good time.

I’m fed up, I’m tired, I’m seriously grumpy and I’m going to bed; perchance to dream of a better world where Saddam Hussein is a cab-driver in South London, Al Qaeda is a gameshow host and where all the monkeys have been rounded up and put in the zoo where they belong.