A Guide to Self-Defence in the UK

In response to the increasing public concern at the spiralling rate of violent crime, the Home Office, acting in concert with the Association of Police Chiefs, have prepared this pamphlet containing advice and guidelines that will help you and your family avoid becoming victims of violent crime.

Further, and as a direct result of the high number of complaints from members of the public about slow police response times, we have established the Crime Reaction Emergency Team Initiative Networks (CRETINS), a specially constituted force tasked with providing a swift and effective response to emergency calls from members of the public in danger.

The most important step to take in order to avoid being a victim of crime is to ensure that you live in abject poverty. A number of government studies have proved that most criminals are motivated by the desire to obtain other people’s possessions by force. Whilst having no possessions at all cannot guarantee your safety, the less you have, the less criminals can steal from you.

However, if you have been careless enough to amass material wealth, the following helpful tips listed below may be of some assistance. First of all, the government and the police have been greatly concerned by the number of people who have taken to owning weapons (or adapting household objects for use as weapons) in order to provide themselves with some false sense of security. This is highly illegal. The law in the UK does not permit citizens to own any objects or materials which could conceivably be used to cause harm or injury. Therefore, we strongly advise that you purge your home of all objects made from metal, wood, plastic or other non-safe materials and take them to your nearest government recycling centre.

Soft furnishings, cuddly toys and baby food are permissible.

Similarly, anyone in possession of long fingernails should clip them immediately and take the clippings to your nearest police station and hand them in. Under the terms of special government amnesty, no questions will be asked if you do this before 31st December 2002. From 1st January 2003, anyone found in possession of dangerous, sharp or ragged fingernails will become liable to prosecution.

HOME INVASION

If your home has been invaded whilst you are in residence, then the best way to protect your property and person is by advising the alleged burglar that their invasion constitutes trespass and demand that they leave your premises immediately.

In the unlikely event that this method proves unsuccessful then you can enlist help by ringing the CRETINS Hotline on 07845 0001 0001 (Mon-Fri 9.00am – 4.00pm, Sat 10.00am – 2.00pm) and reporting the alleged burglary offence.

If calling outside the Hotline manned-operator hours, then please leave a message on the answerphone, remembering to give full details of your name, address, a contact telephone number and whether or not you are in any imminent physical danger.

In accordance with Customer Care Charter Recommendations, we can now guarantee a response within 28 days.

If, however, you are unable to reach a telephone or your telecommunications equipment is not operative, then you may apply to CRETINS in writing. Address your letter to:

The Home Office
CRETINS
50, Queen Anne’s Gate
London SW1H 9AT

Please remember to include in your letter:

A. Your full name and address
B. The name and address of the alleged burglar (if known)
C. The time and date of the incident complained of
D. Reasons why you feel you may be in any imminent physical danger (if applicable)

Please remember to also include two-passport sized photographs for identification purposes and a stamped self-addressed envelope (without we will be unable to process your application).

In the case of written application, please allow 56 days for a response.

Do not, under any circumstances, seek to restrain, physically remove or otherwise tackle the alleged burglar as by so doing, you render yourself liable to prosecution for assault. Similarly, make sure that the alleged burglar’s means of egress from your property is properly lit and free from obstruction in order to avoid a claim for damages under the Occupiers Liability Act which will arise if the alleged burglar suffers any fall or trip injuries arising from your negligence.

STREET ATTACK

The best means of avoiding an attack or robbery in a public place is to stay at home with your cuddly toys and soft furnishings. However, if you insist on putting yourself in harms way by going out, then the advice below should prove to be of assistance.

If you are being subjected to a sexual attack or robbery then stay calm. Advise your alleged assailant that he/she may be breaking the law and that they should refrain from any further such activities forthwith.

If your alleged assailant does not speak English as a first language then you will need to avail yourself of the services of a properly qualified Interpreter. Failure to do so will not only render your legal warning invalid, but may also render you liable to prosecution for racially-motivated hate crime if your alleged assailant suffers any emotional trauma as a result of not being able to understand you.

If your initial warning proves to be ineffective then you may stop the attack by further expressing your disapproval or distress and generally making it clear that your alleged assailants attentions are not welcomed. Phrases that may be useful in this regard are:

“No, stop…leave me alone….”

Or

“Help…somebody help…I’m being attacked”

Or

“Aaaaaaaaargghhhhhhhhh…………………”

Please remember to choose your words and terms carefully as any speech which the alleged assailant might construe as hateful or abusive could render you liable for prosecution.

Please also bear in mind the European Directive on Auditory Safety designed to curtail incidents of auditory damage or trauma caused by exposure to loud or persistent noise. As a result you are obliged to observe the Recommended Decibel Safety Levels (full details of which can be obtained from the Department of Health) when using your voice to prevent an attack. Failure to comply with the relevant regulations could render you liable to prosecution and a hefty fine.

In the unlikely event that your alleged assailant persists with the attack, then call the CRETINS Hotline immediately to report the alleged offence. You will need to do this from a public payphone as the Hotline does not take calls from cellular or mobile telephones. Response times as above.

Do not, under any circumstances, use physical resistance (or the threat of the same) in order to try and deter your alleged assailant. Both the police and the Crown Prosecution Service take an extremely dim view of vigilante citizens who take the law into their own hands and not only will they prosecute but they will also push for maximum penalties in all cases.

In the exceedingly unlikely event that CRETINS are unable to respond in time to prevent the attack then it is best to simply yield to your alleged attacker and give them whatever it is they want. It is recommended that you adopt a passive, non-threatening stance and ensure that neither your bags nor your pockets contain any sharp objects upon which your alleged assailant may cut or injure themselves in the process or rummaging through them.

Once the alleged attack has been completed, CRETINS will provide you with a comprehensive report form which you will be required to complete and return so that details of the incident can be logged and categorised for use in government statistics.

Upon receipt of a duly completed report form, CRETINS will provide you with a list of appropriately qualified Counsellors who will be able to help you pick up the shattered pieces of your life.

The Home Office: Your security is our business.