Today in Johannesburg, the delegates at the Earth Conference moved onto the next important phase in the proceedings: water sports.
Having accepted the monumental challenge of solving the problems of poverty and environmental degradation, the delegates have maintained their unanimous opening day resolution, that they were all having far too much fun to worry about that sort of thing and that the world would be far better off if they all did as little as humanly possible during the ten-day Conference.
So, this morning, the Conference moved en masse to the Lakeside Pavilion where they will have a choice of jet-skiing, windsurfing, snorkelling or simply soaking up that radiant South African sunshine with a selection of cocktails and a trashy novel. All eyes, though, will be on the Head of the Brazilian Rainforest Foundation who is rumoured to be something of a dab-hand at Beach Volleyball.
But not all the delegates have been this proactive. Back at the hotel, Indian Development Minister Laxmi Ennerjee spent the entire day languishing in the Tropical Hothouse Spa Jacuzzi, together with his, erm, ‘Research Assistant’ Trudi. While the sparkly Trudi toyed with his greying chest hairs, the Minister lay motionless in the warm, herb-infused bubbles; his head occasionally lolling to one side in order to lick a dollop of tangerine-flavoured yoghurt from between Trudi’s quivering breasts. In an attempt to explain away this apparent lack of wordly concern, he said:
“Look, it’s really very simple. We were charged with the responsibility of ending poverty, saving the planet and maintaining an economic equilibrium between all nations and people of the entire world. But when we got right down to it”, he sighed heavily, “it was all too much like hard work and we decided that we just couldn’t be bothered”
Despite what some would regard as a refreshing candour, the delegates have, nevertheless, come under fierce criticism from Inactivists who accuse the delegates of being a part of the problem not a part of the solution. Daniel Le Thargy spokesperson for the Coalition Against Movement said:
“You just have to observe the furious vigour with which these guys play Canasta around the poolside to realise they are actually heating up our atmosphere. They should learn to do something much less productive, like sleeping. Sleeping is fun and involves no carbon emissions whatsoever.”
Denying accusations that he was simply a luddite, Mr.Le Thargy went onto to explain:
“Our aim is get Third World farmers off of their knees, and put them flat on their backs.”
But the Conference has brushed aside these protests and, following the afternoon’s recreation by the waterside, the delegates then went into a delicate round of complex negotiations, wrangling and horse-trading before a resolution was passed calling for tonight’s dinner to consist of an open barbecue with a Thai & Vietnamese theme. Speaking to a Dutch correspondent, British Prime Minister Tony Blair expressed confidence that agreed targets for at least 80% attendance at tomorrow’s Bingo & Billiards party would be met.
