Don’t know how to tie your own shoelaces? Just what is the proper way to make a cup of coffee? Should a person sleep standing up or lying down? Having difficulty finding your own arse even though you’re using both hands a map? Don’t know how to barbecue sausages? Well, fret no longer because HM Government is here to help you.
“The Agency’s food hygiene campaign is going alfresco during summer 2002 with a 30-second TV ad spelling out the risks of not cooking barbecue food properly.
This should come as a blessed relief to anyone planning a barbecue this summer. After all, in a country where the mere act of lighting a charcoal briquette is enough to bring on a monsoon, only the hopelessly naive and terminally idiotic can possibly be planning a barbecue in the first place.
‘The Agency’. It sounds so sinister, doesn’t it? That’s because it is. The Food Standards Agency was established in the wake of the BSE crisis to reassure a jittery and highly risk-averse British public that the government was doing its bit to protect them from the evil bugs lurking in their own fridges. Which means, of course, that they do less of their own bit and, thanks to greater dependency and bureaucratic empire-building, today’s patronising message will become tomorrow’s law. I see Sausage Inspectors in our future.
It’s just another brick in the Napoleonic Wall behind which our collective goose is slowly being cooked.
