Do you have a science qualification? Are you tired of struggling to pay your bills and make ends meet? Are you sick of seeing the other guy making a good living while you constantly scrimp and save? Do you ever wonder what the secret is to making loads of money?
Well, wonder no longer. Just follow our easy 8-step guide below and you too can be a Successful Scientist
1. Fix your attentions to some aspect of modern life or a consumer product; preferably something technological, new-fangled and, therefore, little understood
2. Issue releases to the press expressing your concerns about possible links between the said product and vague, nebulous ‘health risks’. Don’t worry about rejection, the press will lap them up
3. Approach the manufacturers of the said product and threaten to kick up even more of a stink unless they play ball. Remind them of the damage their reputation can suffer if they appear to be unresponsive and heartless
4. Do the same thing to the appropriate government department
5. Advise all parties concerned that your fears will only be assuaged by more research
6. Advise all parties that this research cannot possibly be conducted without more resources
7. Set up your research facilities with the huge portion of taxpayers money that the government presents you with in order for you to shut up and go away
8. Repeat Steps 1 to 7 above until retirement
